


Beginning

by eunhyo



Series: Picture of my own [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, but i wouldn't call this exactly angst, i really am terrible with tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-06 14:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10336838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunhyo/pseuds/eunhyo
Summary: He couldn’t pinpoint when he started feeling like that, when his feelings for his hyung had gone from platonic to real, from friendship to something more than that, he wasn’t going to call it love, not yet, it was probably too soon for that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo... This is supposed to come before _"Us?"_. If you are following the series.
> 
> Again, English is not my first language. Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Comments are appreciated, both here and in "Us?". Thx.

It was raining, and Taeil was near the window just watching the rain fall on the streets. Taeyong observed him from afar, contemplating whether or not to approach him, and ultimately deciding to do it.

When he got closer, he heard Taeil was humming something, a song Taeyong couldn't recognize right away. So he approached the older male carefully, touching his arm gently so not to startle him. Taeil was never startled when he was touched, even if he was distracted, and he never had to look to know who it was. _"You all feel different..."_ he would say, and Taeyong couldn't really understand it, there were so many of them.

"Hyung... are you sad?" Taeil looked at him then, blinding smile on his face, and Taeyong let the hand that was touching him fall slowly down his arm, until they weren't touching anymore, breath caught in his lungs for several seconds. “No. I’m happy we got a day off, it’s just a shame that it is raining…” Taeil liked the winter, the cold and snow, but he didn’t like the rain, Taeyong knew that. They were alone at the dorm, the others had taken the opportunity to go out, even with the rain. Taeyong didn’t know where they went, just asked them to be careful. 

“Did you want to go somewhere, hyung?” Taeil looked out the window again. “No, not really. I’m ok here. With you.” He turned to the younger again and smiled. Taeyong felt an urge to kiss him, he resisted it, closed his hands in fists and bit his lower lip, he saw Taeil follow the movement with his eyes, before settling them back on his, smile gone. Taeil’s stare made him feel naked, not the kind of naked that made you feel embarrassed, but the kind of naked that made you feel like you couldn’t hide anything from him. And he was hiding so much.

He couldn’t pinpoint when he started feeling like that, when his feelings for his hyung had gone from platonic to real, from friendship to something more than that, he wasn’t going to call it love, not yet, it was probably too soon for that. When did he start liking guys? He didn’t. He just liked Taeil. He had dated girls before, back when he was in middle school, when dating really wasn’t something serious, when there weren’t much feelings involved in the relationships. He even dated when he was in highschool, a girl named Ha Eun, she was his first kiss - he wasn’t sure if he was her first kiss, tho -, and he remembered exactly what it felt like to kiss her, or what it didn’t feel like. She was the one to initiate the kiss, and he was expecting to see fireworks behind his eyelids, to feel butterflies in his tummy. He was expecting it to be like in the dramas his sister watched on TV. He didn’t feel any of it. He didn’t even feel like closing his eyes. If he was being true to himself, he would have to admit that he didn’t feel nothing at all. It was just a kiss, like when his sister gave him a kiss on the cheek, maybe even a little less than that, because he really _really_ liked his sister. But even if the kiss didn’t feel special, he knew he liked girls, he felt attracted to them. But he also felt attracted towards Taeil, and _God_ what he felt towards Taeil was so much deeper than what he had ever felt towards any girl he had dated.

He just couldn’t picture himself without Taeil around anymore. The need to be near the older almost like a physical need. When Taeil wasn’t around he felt like he was drowning, when Taeil was paying attention to the other members and not paying attention to him he felt jealous, so jealous, and that really wasn’t a good feeling when you were suppose to be a leader, how could he be jealous of his members and still lead them. _God_ Taeyong really needed to put his mind together, to put his heart together. 

“I like you.” The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to think them through. Taeil was looking outside the window again, and didn’t turn when he answered a simple “I like you too, Taeyong-ah.” Taeyong closed his eyes and contemplated leaving things as they were. But that was his chance. They were alone at the dorm, no one around to interrupt them. They were never alone. Even if they shared a room, and they could talk privately there, Taeyong didn’t want to have that conversation there, at night, leaving Taeil feeling cornered, cause that was what he would feel like if it was the other way around.

“You didn’t get it. I _like_ you.” He emphasised the word, so that Taeil could understand what he was talking about, and that got the older to look at him. “What?” Taeil was staring hard at him, and Taeyong had to turn his own gaze away for a few seconds to regain his balance, and the courage. “I said I like you. Not in a friendly way, but in a romantic way.” He saw Taeil swallow, his adam apple bobbing with the action, and for a terrifying moment he thought he had messed everything up between them. He should have stayed silent, liking Taeil silently. Now Taeil would say he didn’t feel the same and would put space between them, and Taeyong would die inside. 

“Taeyong-ah… are you sure of what you’re saying?” Taeil was always so calm, so composed, even when he was nervous, Taeyong felt like it would be better if the older just yelled at him. Not denying reciprocating his feeling right away was a lot worse. Taeil looked him directly in the eyes, then moved his gaze to his lips when he spoke “Yeah, I’m sure.” The singer looked momentarily fascinated, with what, Taeyong wasn’t sure. He saw Taeil take a deep breath and close his eyes, and prepared for impact. “Taeyong-ah… I like you too, a lot. A lot more than I should. But I can’t. I don’t want to mess everything up, between us, between the members. I just can’t.” Taeil’s voice was strained, like he was holding back something, holding back saying more, or holding back tears. His eyes were shining, and he turned away. Taeyong felt like warping his arms around him, but hold back, it would only make things worse. “Please don’t hate me…” Taeil’s voice was so fragile, that Taeyong felt something stir and break inside himself. “I will never hate you.” _I would never be able to, even if I wanted…_ was left unsaid, and Taeil was off, walking in fast steps towards the room, and closing the door behind him. Taeyong didn’t have the strength to follow.


End file.
